Striving For Balance

See-saw.

Teeter Totter.

Did you ever play on one as a child? They are few and far between. Of the over 600 playgrounds built in the last century in NYC, only one still has a wooden seesaw. They are so full of advantage for learning strength and coordination for children but also wrought with risk. This playground apparatus works on a simple premise; a plank of wood balanced above the ground in the center with a hinged bolt handles at either end where the unsuspecting children sit. In theory, the objective is to use the weight of the other person to push each end up and down. To have fun by gently pushing the other child into the air and easing them back down.

Theory is always only a piece of the story, though, isn't it?

One of my early memories is at about age three when I wandered into a playground teeming with children; all of them older than me. A gang of them descended on the seesaw and somehow I ended up the star of the show sitting behind the giant T shaped iron handle at one end. There were kids stacked behind me like cookies in a box and likewise a suitably “equal” number of kids on the other side. I remember feeling very unsafe as we went up and down a few times.

Much higher than the dictated height of 32 inches that guard today's seesaws. Then suddenly the seesaw lifted rapidly into the air and as the other side came down hard on the ground my chin came down harder still on the handle. Tasting blood, I began to cry. I was shuffled into my apartment building to “find your mom” by the big kids and my memory ends there with the conclusion in my tiny preschool brain that seesaws are stupid and scary.

And, that being off balance is not ok.

But then I got a little older and discovered the other game you can play on a teeter totter.

The one where you, as a Big Kid, get to stand on the center of the plank with one foot on either side of the middle anchor like an undefeated Super Hero, King of the playground, Master of the wretched teeter-totter. All the riders thereof waiting for your rule and reign over their lives. That is as long as you stay balanced. But if one of your subjects is called inside for dinner by his mom and abruptly jumps off you'd better be prepared to react lightning fast, adjust your stance and maintain status quo. Jumping off, because you've lost your balance, is not an option. Some other kid will usurp your position in a heartbeat. Must maintain control. Balance is the only way to win and stay Master Balancer of All.

Hmmm, we're not talking about playing on the playground anymore, are we?

Years ago I was enamored with the phrase, Strive for Balance. I began to see that balance in life can make the craziness make sense. I naturally tend to want order in my life but I also want things like long books, long naps, lots of sweet tea and chocolate cake. Those things are not conducive to order or balance. So I began challenging myself to seek balance. If I wanted a nap, I would have a chore that I must accomplish first. If I wanted cake, a healthy lunch must come before. If I wanted to read...

I really did feel so much better when things were more in balance in my life. When I could stay atop the plank and sway with the winds of change to achieve calm equilibrium I felt so much more at peace.

And in charge.

But, as with everything in life, I began to drift and the very act of creating peace through my balancing act began to wreck my world. I became more and more intolerant of anything that shifted my domain. I must have a perfectly clean house in order to have company over. I must have all the right answers if we are in a discussion about the news, books, bible study. I must have the perfect makeup and outfit in order to go to church, work, out to dinner, to the store, to the trashcan. The dishwasher should be loaded just so and the clothes hung this way. The pressure inside my head was terrible, so I began to let it out. I began to want to hold everyone else to my standards. My family, my friends, my children, my husband.

None of them could ever meet my expectations.

I could never meet my expectations.

I had let my desire to balance my life completely unbalance my life.

I had piled crazy expectations on myself and others until all I could do was frantically keep stepping from left to right to attempt to keep it all from falling. I could have jumped off at any time but the tiny smidgen of truth that is hidden in the peace of balance kept me struggling to keep it going. Because surely balancing my wants and needs was worth this effort.

I was striving.

For balance.

And it was not working.

It really hurts when you slam your face on a metal bar and your feet get crunched under a wooden plank. It really hurts when you realize that good intentions don't catch you when you fall. It really truly hurts when you find that God didn't intend for you to live that way at all, and that actually He was the One who pushed the crap off the seesaw and brought it all down on top of you. Because He does have perfect balance. The balance of perfect Love that won't tolerate haughty pride in my own perfection or self-loathing of my human mistakes. He has the balance of Perfect Forgiveness that forgets my nasty bitter words ever happened and also joyfully expects me to not say them again.

As I sat there on the ground looking at that darn teeter-totter of my life I remembered. There was a third game to play on the seesaw.

You could go and sit on the plank. Right in the middle. Just simply sit and sway with the weight of it as you pushed the heavy painted wooden board to your right and down. To your left and down. Alone. No weight of expectation. Just the desire to breathe in your Father God's joy of Life. Lift your feet off of the ground and feel the struggle to balance. Just sit with Him and know that He alone can balance everything. He alone can load one side down or raise the other into blue skies. He will tell you what to add or take away. He can show you how to find that peaceful middle. He can also pick you up if you lose your balance and fall.

It is doable. Living a balanced life. It doesn't require a ton of knowledge up front. A teachable heart is the gateway for everything God wants to give you. Strive to be teachable. Humility is the key in that gate. If you aren't humble your Heavenly Father has some very creative ways to give you those keys. Strive to be humble. Lastly, pure intentions will always bring blessings. He knows your heart anyway, why not try to live seeking His good above anything else? Strive for purity.

Stop beating yourself to pieces for all you could have-should have-would have -do-done-did. Start with balancing His Word over yours. Its the best way I know of to begin to Strive for Balance.