So I am worried this
morning about one of my kids. They are all teenage or older and I can’t boss
them around like I enjoyed doing when they were younger. What to do? Easy. Call
the oldest and get him to take care of it; have him call, text, question, probe and make
sure everything is ok. Yes, I did say that and I did it. And the reason why it
works is because I deliberately created a relationship between them when they
were younger. They were taught how to care for each other. They were taught to
love each other, when they were very young.
Intentional Parenting: Deliberately
building relationships.
Why not? Why not be
purposeful with your kids. Don’t just react and respond to whatever they bring
in. Anticipate their life needs in a month, a year, a decade. You, as a parent
will not always be there. One day it will be just the brothers and sisters working
together to take care of the family. And before I had kids I thought I just didn’t
want the nightmare you sometimes see when mom is gone and the adult kids are
feuding.
Let me start at the beginning.
We wanted to have a second child soon after number one was born. But God didn’t
see it that way. (See http://strive4hisbalance.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-samuel.html
for the back story) So we ended up with a 5 (almost six year old) and a
newborn. When I was pregnant people would sigh and say
Oh, it’s too bad they are
so far apart in age. They will never be close.
Hmmmph. The way I saw it
I had been praying for our family for years and had left it in God’s hands; if
He had given us baby #2 five years after #1 then I guess He could help them
love each other. And I was going to do my part to see to it that they would.
Intentionaly.
To start, the age gap
became one of the many reasons we decided to homeschool kid #1. The first few
weeks of homeschooling with a five week old baby (who never ever slept) were like living through the zombie apocalypse, but
we made it. Homeschooling gave us so much more time to spend together. We were
able to do things like kid #1 helping to
bathe his brother and feel his first teeth cutting through *ouch!*. And kid #2
got to learn how to pull up to the piano and tap the keys while #1 practiced
over and over. I have a delightful video somewhere of #1 trying to eat corn on
the cob with no front teeth and #2 happily gnawing away at it with all four of
his teeth.
They loved each other.
They were brothers.
Then three years later #3
came along. It was a whole lot harder getting two boys to accept a girl into
their world, but we did it. They loved her, even if she was not named
WonderWoman as #2 wanted to call her. The boys looked after her. Later on she
cleaned up after them. Kid #2 came and played doll house with her, even though
his house had a skate park and was owned by Anikin Skywalker. The guys baked in
the heat to watch her at her horse show. She tagged along to their concerts and
competitions.
And all along I would say
things to them like,
“He is your brother, work
it out”
“She looks up to you, don’t
blow that.”
“All I want is for the
three of you to come together to take good care of me when Im old: or just pay for a
maid.” (haha)
I look around and I see
families where the kids are cut throat about getting something more than their
sibling. They keep track of everything the other siblings get. It is like there
is a tally sheet of mine and yours. (And if you give each one the exact same
thing that will happen anyway.) Or, God forbid, the parents instigate it by
doing more for one than the other. Or parents outright belittling one sibling
to another. Playing power games inside a family will tear it apart.
Please, please don’t do
this.
Remember this is your
FAMILY. Your tribe. Your kin. They will be there when everyone else runs. They
are your blood. And when more are brought into the family either by adoption or marriage, your cup
runneth over. Don’t forget: Children are your REWARD, your INHERITANCE, Your
BLESSING from God Almighty.
Your family is your
treasure.
Make every effort to
encourage your kids to love their siblings. Be deliberate. Say things to them
like:
Your brother loves you.
Your sister needs you.
Your brother thinks you
are the smartest boy in the world.
Your sister wants to do
everything you do.
You can help your sister
better than even I can
Your brother will listen
to you when he won’t listen to anyone else.
If you create an
expectation of a close relationship then it will happen. If you set them up to
depend on each other then they will.
Just think about this: If
your children can’t love and support each
other with loyalty, who can they be loyal to?
Be encouraged today to
cultivate close sibling relationships in your family. Build up and expect your
kids to love each other fiercely and protectively. If your family is a big,
soft, safe place your children will always run home to be with each other.
(Note: This does not mean that they will not push each other down the
stairs in a laundry basket when you are not home...hahahaha)
This is SOOO true. And now we face a very difficult journey in ou lives (my husband is terminally ill) and I know for a fact if we did not intentionally parent and develop those sibling relationships for all these years, our family would be falling apart!
ReplyDeleteStephanie- I am so sorry for your struggle with your husband's illness. I am sure you are reaping the rewards of the hard work you have put into your family. My heart goes out to you as you must be faced everyday with challenges as the mom and as a wife. God's words are always better than ours, so I give you these:
DeletePraise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Cor 1:3-5